Sunset

Sunset

Warm sun, setting quick
Rays of light and hope disappearing
A blanket of warmth turning cold and chilly
Taking with it the hopes and dreams of the day
Wanting, reaching, ever grasping
Clinging to stay but slowly slipping away
A moment in time soon forgotten
Taken for granted over and again
Counted on to always be there
Like a breath always expected to breathe
One sunrise after another
Always there but rarely embraced
Expected to shine on forevermore
But someday the sun will set forever
Never to warm you again
On that day will you cry?
Weep tears of sorrow for the moment forgotten?
Hold tight to that ray of light
Never let it go unthanked and unembraced
For you never know if that moment will be its last.


Written September 25, 2010. Not a good day obviously lol

My Poor Little Blog

I wonder how many times I can update this blog with some random thing about my "best intentions" when I started it? I think I will just skip over that because it sounds whiny haha. Frankly it is my blog and I can post whatever I feel like on it right? The poetry is nice and I love it, I love to express myself, but sometimes that isn't always the option on how to go about expressing what is going on in my little bubble of the world. I would love to update this more, simply for me, but I just haven't had the time or the energy to keep up with it lately. The last two years have been a rollercoaster of ups and down that seem to just be picking up speed. Either that or my patience are lowering and my energy level dropping. That is very possible.

There really isn't one thing that set everything in motion. There are lots of things that have just gone wrong and/or changed that have resulted in things being the way they are now. If I had to name them, I guess they would be the following, in no particular order: 1. Mom being ill, 2. Dad being ill, 3. Grandpa growing older and more frail, 4. My divorce, 5. The end of my relationship with Tony, 6. Changing jobs.

Those closest to me and a few others I choose to vent to on occasion know the full extent of what is going on with each of those situations. I guess I will expand on each a little just to make things clearer.

First would be mom. She suffers from COPD as well as some long term back problems. The combination of both forced her to retire. I try to do what I can to help her out because at this point she can't even really get out of the house. So I do her shopping and laundry and some other random chores for her.

Dad was probably the biggest shocker of all of them. He has always had some problems with back pain and knee pain but nothing life threatening. About a year and a half ago he had a stroke and a heart attack (there is some evidence that he had more then one). He required surgery to put some stints in his heart to help with blood flow. He also developed severe abdominal pain that required surgery as well. A few weeks ago the stomach pain came back full force. In the process of trying to figure that out they discovered that he had lung cancer. He is now undergoing radiation treatment for the cancer but there is still no solution for the abdominal pain. It is most likely cause by a circulation problem.

Grandpa started having issues several years back when he had a bone spur in his neck that was trying to sever his spinal cord. Since then he has had multiple issues, many of which are common in old age. Most recently he fell and broke his hip and had to have surgery. He isn't doing very well.

My job change came when my old boss decided to get ready to retire. Part of that included moving into another office where he could reduce his bills and just try to wrap up a few cases he had going on. I was the biggest expense that he had so I didn't make the transition. I still do some work for him on the side and hold no bad feelings at all about the situation. But it did require finding another job, which I did after taking about two months off to get some stuff done around the house and go through my divorce (more about that later). The office I now work at is a totally change from where I was before. Before it was just myself and the attorney. Light case load, and a variety of job duties (I did everything from secretary to paralegal to janitor). Now I am in an office of 10 people (including our intern) that is VERY fast paced. I don't mean that is a bad thing, I really enjoy my job but it did take some major adjusting and it is high stress but I like it all the same.

My divorce was my decision. I wasn't happy and neither was he. There were a lot of things that occurred through our relationship that just really left me with some major trust issues. While it might have been for the best that doesn't mean it was easy. Particularly with children involved. It has taken some adjusting and a few arguments along the way to get things to a point that he, I and the kids are all settled.

I guess that leaves just my relationship with Tony to sum up. I really don't know how to sum it up very well. I fell head over heals in love with Tony from the beginning. There were some issues there as well, on both sides. Frankly I am still not 100% sure what happened that led to the end of that relationship. I think that is what makes it so hard to deal with at this point because I just still haven't figured it out and still have issues dealing with that.

So yeah, it has been a lot of crazy stuff that has happened over the last couple of years. Frankly it isn't surprising that I am flat out tired, emotionally and physically drained and short on patience with petty crap. I hear people whine about how hard things are because they can't afford cable tv or something and I just want to slap them and tell them how hard things really could be. I am not saying that I have it the worst off. I know that there are people that have it worse then me, but compared to some of them I totally have them beat. There are a lot of days that I just want to hide in a corner and cry because I am so worried about stuff, particularly the health of my family members. Reality tells me that I can't do that so I just push through it and try to make the best of some shitty situations.

One thing that I have learned in the midst of this is you start to figure out who your real friends are and who the ones are that are simply there to get something from you. You learn who truly cares about you and who just wants to leech from you. In a way it is depressing but mostly it is just nice to know who really cares because I don't need to waste time with people that are simply out to take take take from other people. Sometimes the help that I have needed and the support I have needed (just a smile and a laugh now and then, nothing big) have come from some of the most surprising sources.

So yeah, back to the original point, my blog has been and will be neglected for the most part because I just have to much on my plate right now. Maybe one of these days things will slow down and I will actually have the brain power to write some new poetry instead of just whiny rants haha

Fly Free

Well after my little rant in my last blog, I figured I would actually post another poem. Shocking huh? haha. Anyway, I was browsing through my list of poetry and came across this one. In reading through this again two things occur to me: 1. I was obviously at a very dark and trying time in my life; and 2. No matter how low I feel, I am, and always will be, a hopeless romantic.

Fly Free

My heart bleeds
My body shakes
My emotions in turmoil
I've done it again
Your lonely little bird
Scared and flying away
Desperately seeking approval
Fearing rejection
Wanting love and acceptance
Yet causing hurt
Running when she doesn't understand
Unable to know right from wrong
So afraid of causing more pain
Hurting the one person who understands
The little bird begs for forgiveness
But expects none
Thinking in her mind that she doesn't deserve it
He is her guardian angel
A bright spot in a dark and cruel world
His words sing through her heart like a melody
Igniting a fire that died long ago
Giving her pause
Making her see what it is to fly again
To leave behind the dark demons which haunt her dreams
Following her through her day
Refusing to give her a moment's peace
Chipping away at what is left of her fractured soul
But he lifts her up
Banishing the demons
Putting her high on a ledge and showing her that it is ok
She will be able to do it
To live, to soar amongst the clouds
To reach for the heavens
He will lead the way
Teach her how to fly again
To live a true life, not a ghost of an existence
Her guardian angel
Her white knight
Leading her back to the heavens where they can fly free together for the rest of time

Time for a Vent

So I haven’t updated this blog for awhile. Part of the reason was over the holidays I was stressed out and busy as heck. After that the reason I didn’t update it was because there was something I wanted to write but which I haven’t taken the time to sit down and write. The point of this blog was for my poetry. But it is my blog and I can do what I want with it (right??) so I decided in this case to use it as my venting board. My vent would be on religion and politics and particularly how they affect people and their attitudes.

Several months ago I made a new friend. We had different opinions on things when it came to politics and religion. For the most part this didn’t seem to be an issue until I totally disagreed with something that was said. The result was a very upsetting and inappropriate response that was extremely offensive and a personal attack on me. I was surprised to say the least.

I have never been one to get on the political or religious bandwagons. Politics I just don’t generally understand. Seriously how can anyone 100% most of what is said. You take one speaker and have two different people listen to the political speech and both of the people in the audience can draw totally different opinions and understandings from it based on their own personal feelings. Who is right? Who is wrong? It isn’t just black and white because each person draws from their own personal experience and beliefs. The same applies to religion. Each religion has their own beliefs and ideas of right and wrong.

I have attempted to take the time to follow politics and understand what the arguments were all about. However, I quickly loose interest time and again because it so frequently ends up being a personal attack given by one person or the other. Why should I listen or try to listen to your side of the argument when you back up what is said by saying “you are an idiot if you believe X, Y or Z.” Insulting my intelligence does nothing to help me understand your side or make me even feel the desire to see your side.

Does anyone every truly like to be insulted? Not anyone that I know. I respect that people have their own beliefs when it comes to politics and/or religion. That is great! But using either one as a justification for a personal attack on fellow people with emotions, feelings and beliefs just doesn’t seem right to me. What happened to respecting others? What happened to treating people the way you want to be treated? Does calling me or someone else an idiot because we have a different belief make people really feel better? In so many ways it seems like a grown up version of a kindergarten fight on the playground.

“I think Legos are better then Tinker Toys.”
“Why?”
“Because I said so and you are stupid.”

“I think Bush was better then Obama.”
“What do you base your opinion on?”
“Because he does dumb stuff and if you can’t see that then you are an idiot.”

Seriously, what is the difference between the two arguments? Neither has any supporting data or evidence one way or the other and both simply turn into personal attacks. You can substitute some religious belief in either scenario and have the same argument occur.

Frankly I don’t care what political party you belong to. I don’t care what religion you belong to. It makes no difference to me if you are a patriot, a republican, a loyalist, a democrat, catholic, Mormon, Jewish, Muslim or Hindu. I don’t care if you are a man or a woman, straight or gay, fat or skinny. What I care about is the human spirit and the way that people treat others. If you can treat others with respect and understanding as opposed to finger pointing and name calling then you will earn my respect and my ear to listen to what you have to say.

You want me to be on your political and/or religious stance then lead me by example of good character and compassion, not through insults and belittling statements.

Only Time Will Tell

Oh my. This poor little blog got neglected thanks to the joys of Christmas and New Years. I enjoy the holidays but they are stressful and horribly busy. I am glad they are finally behind me!

I dug around a bit in my old poetry and found this one to post. I was rather angry when I wrote it (I think that comes through rather clearly).

Only Time Will Tell

Who are you to judge me?
To ask the questions that you do?
Seven years heartache
Seven years spent begging
Wishing for love
Hoping for romance
Pushed aside
Like a useless hand-me-down
Left wanting
Longing for more
Terror filling my dreams
Hurt and betrayal my daytime companions
Then suddenly it is all suppose to change
Now you want to be my Romeo
Sweep me off my feet
You, the King of Hearts
When all you dealt before were spades
I am suppose to suddenly believe
You were to busy to care before
Why start now?
You needed the kick in the ass?
Didn’t you get that before?
How quickly you forget
Choose only what to remember
Didn’t I beg and plead before?
Did you not see my desperation?
My hurt, my rage
If I hadn’t cared would I have been so hurt?
I wanted to run away from the pain
A lonely solitude all alone
Roots and worms my companions
I choose to stay
To believe
To hope
What was my reward?
Two more years heartache
Same old, same old
Fights
Arguing
Loneliness
Not the companionship I had begged for
Like a thorn on a rose
So beautiful to look at
But piercing the skin if I get to close
Now we are here again
More nightmares and terrors
You asking me for what I begged for
Funny, you didn’t want it before
Same promises of change and healing
How am I to believe?
So many times the same words
Same conversations
Romance for awhile, then it all goes back
Not wanting to get my hopes up again
To only get crushed
I want my heart intact
Not shattered again
I will guard it with all I have
For it is all I have
The tables have turned
We have come full circle
Seeing things from another view
How will it end?
What will we be?
Friends, lovers, husband and wife?
Something more?
Something less?
Only time shall tell
I am still here
I haven’t left
Still trying for what is right
When the curtain of our lives finally closes
Then time will have told the answers.

Christmas Spider

This isn't my story, nor my writing but I really wanted to share it with everyone. My friend Deanne made Christmas spider ornaments this year for her church group. I felt very lucky because she made one for me to share with my kids as well. I had heard of the tradition of hanging a spider on the Christmas tree and part of the story, but she also told me the story and brought a copy in for me to share with my kids as well. I wanted to share with everyone as well as a picture of my spider.

The Christmas Spider

On Christmas eve, a long time ago, a gentle mother was busily cleaning the house for the most wonderful day of the year... Christmas day, the day on which the little Christ child came to bless the house. Not a speck of dust was left. Even the spiders had been banished from their cozy corner on the ceiling. They had fled to the farthest corner of the attic.

The Christmas tree was beautifully decorated. The poor spiders were frantic, for they could not see the tree, nor be present for the little Christ child's visit. Then the oldest and wisest spider suggested that perhaps they could wait until everyone went to bed and then get a closer look.

When the house was dark and silent, the spiders crept out of their hiding place. When they neared the Christmas tree, they were delighted with the beauty of it. The spiders crept all over the tree, up and down, over the branches and twigs and saw every one of the pretty things.

The spiders loved the Christmas tree. All night long they danced in the branches, leaving them covered with spider webs. In the morning, when the little Christ child came to bless the house, he was dismayed! He loved the little spiders for they were God's creatures, but he knew the mother, who had worked so hard to make everything perfect, would not be pleased when she saw what the spiders had done.

With love in his heart and a smile on his lips, the little Christ child reached out and gently touched the spider webs. The spider webs started to sparkle and shine! They had all turned into sparkling, shimmering silver and gold.

According to legend, ever since this happened, people have hung tinsel on their Christmas trees. It has also become a custom to include a spider among the decorations on the Christmas tree.

Poetry

So I was having a conversation with Jon tonight and we were discussing days gone by and funny pictures and stuff and he sent me something that I had sent to him a couple of years ago. It is from one of my junior high poetry books from English class. I just thought it was amusing and thought I would share. (And yes I know my handwriting was horrible lol)