No More Waiting

After making dinner tonight I settled in to wash the dishes (yes, I wash the dishes by hand. I own a dishwasher but it hasn't worked since before I lived in this home and I don't see any sense in buying a new one when I am totally capable of washing the dishes, so my dishwasher has instead been converted to a storage place for canned goods). It was quiet in the house and so I plugged in my mp3 player to listen to some music while I washed.

My mp3 player is loaded with an odd assortment of music. I don't like one specific genre of music, in fact about the only music I am not a fan of would be jazz or techno. Just don't get them. So my mp3 player is loaded with pop, rock, heavy metal, country (old school and new pop country), a bit of rap and R&B and even an opera song.

So I am washing along, skipping an occasional song or two, when one comes on that made me pause. The song is called Waiting for my Real Life to Begin and it is by Colin Hay. My first thought was to skip the song because it has a tendency to make me remember things from the past that make me sad. However, I was in the midst of washing and covered in soapy water so I let it play for a bit until it got to the chorus. The chorus goes:

"And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin".

For some reason the song hit home in a different way then it usually does. It made me reflect on my life in the last year or two and the amount of changes and struggles that I have been through, along with the rest of my family on many of those. I thought about each and every person that we have lost in the last year. Each and every struggle that each one of those people faced as the end drew near. The combination between that and the line "I'm waiting for my real life to begin" made me realize that all to often we take a backseat to our own lives. We wait. We wait for the boy we like to call. For our friends to go out. For the mail to come. For that right person to find us and fall in love. For the perfect job opportunity to come our way. For those of you that are familiar with the book Oh, The Places You'll Go! by Dr. Suess, I am not trying to copy his work although it might sound that way. For those of you that don't know his book, read it. I don't care that it is a children's book, it has a valid point for children and adults alike.

I don't want to take a backseat to my own life. I don't want to just wait for something great to happen or the weekend to come or that person to call. Simply put, we need to be proactive in our lives and live our life and try for things instead of just sitting and hoping they will happen. I don't want to look back and wonder "what if". Sure, there is always a chance that I might not succeed or that things might not turn out the way I had hoped, but I can at least look back and know that I gave it my all and be proud of that fact.

The last couple of weeks have been rough. It was the anniversary of the date that we lost Dad and Uncle Frosty. It seems so hard to believe that it has been a year already. In some ways it feels like it was just yesterday and in others it seems like a lifetime ago. I'd like to think that I have healed some, but now and then, the loss does creep up on me and I have a break down. Pain is a part of life, unfortunately. Loss is a part of life as well, whether it is the death of a loved one or the end of a relationship, either way you go through a grieving process. It is a long, very long, process but through that loss you also learn to live as well. To push for the things you want to realize that there are other things out there to do and try.

I am not going to wait for my real life to begin, instead I think I am going to take the bull by the horns and live it and enjoy each and every day of it. Except maybe Mondays. Ok, fine, Mondays too. :)

With love:
Forest R. Bartlett: May 19, 1947 - October 27, 2010
Norris L. Ashment: November 4, 1942 - October 31, 2010
Blaine Ashment: February 9, 1931 - May 7, 2011
Everette Beaulieu: February 28, 1922 - June 13, 2011
Carol Ashment: February 23, 1930 - November 6, 2011

Angels

Dark angel
Earthly bound
A heart full of hurt
A mind tangled in fear and confusion
Her soul darkened over time
What was once sweet and pure now forever changed
Lessons of heartache and pain filling her with doubt
Reflections of times past
A time of innocence and joy
Hopes held high
Dreams of a perfect forever
Slowly each hope torn away
With each infliction of hurt comes a growing anger
Mistrust in those around her
She spreads her ebony wings one last time
Opening herself to more possibilities of pain
But holding on to that small dot of hope that still burns inside.

A white angel
Sent from above
His heart so open and loving
Able to forgive and always love
A touch of gray around his edges
Past misdeeds blemishing his soul
Yet not so heavy a burden as to change him
Only enough to teach him, to let him grow
A heart that loves with a passion unparalleled
Never doubting, always hoping
Able to take the steps to stumble but rise proud again.

A chance meeting
The twinkling stars shining overhead
The white angel stands before the dark one
Two hearts and two souls so different
Yet each holding what the other needs
The dark angel trembles in fear
She has known not someone like this
Paranoia flashing inside her
Sure he must be the work of Satan himself
Sent to unsettle her
To make her lower her walls only to then show his true nature
She steps away in fear
The white angel can see the fear in her
Like a wounded animal she draws away
Yet in that one glance he can sense the hope that still lives in her
Slowly he approaches
His palms upturned to show she has nothing to fear
The dark angel shivers again but does not withdraw
Slowly he takes her in his arms
A warmth like no other filling her
With each passing day the two are drawn closer together
Like two magnets unable to resist the pull
He lifts her each time she falls
She pulls him back to earth each time he flies to high
Not taking from one another
Sharing instead
Each piece of their being becoming a part of the other
His wings darken lightly
Hers becoming paler with time
Both finding the perfect balance in the other
Not an easy road
Instead a bumpy journey
Each bump an experience to learn from
She will never be the white angel
He will never be dark
Yet instead they shall live together as a brilliant ray of silver.

February 24, 2011