I wonder how many times I can update this blog with some random thing about my "best intentions" when I started it? I think I will just skip over that because it sounds whiny haha. Frankly it is my blog and I can post whatever I feel like on it right? The poetry is nice and I love it, I love to express myself, but sometimes that isn't always the option on how to go about expressing what is going on in my little bubble of the world. I would love to update this more, simply for me, but I just haven't had the time or the energy to keep up with it lately. The last two years have been a rollercoaster of ups and down that seem to just be picking up speed. Either that or my patience are lowering and my energy level dropping. That is very possible.
There really isn't one thing that set everything in motion. There are lots of things that have just gone wrong and/or changed that have resulted in things being the way they are now. If I had to name them, I guess they would be the following, in no particular order: 1. Mom being ill, 2. Dad being ill, 3. Grandpa growing older and more frail, 4. My divorce, 5. The end of my relationship with Tony, 6. Changing jobs.
Those closest to me and a few others I choose to vent to on occasion know the full extent of what is going on with each of those situations. I guess I will expand on each a little just to make things clearer.
First would be mom. She suffers from COPD as well as some long term back problems. The combination of both forced her to retire. I try to do what I can to help her out because at this point she can't even really get out of the house. So I do her shopping and laundry and some other random chores for her.
Dad was probably the biggest shocker of all of them. He has always had some problems with back pain and knee pain but nothing life threatening. About a year and a half ago he had a stroke and a heart attack (there is some evidence that he had more then one). He required surgery to put some stints in his heart to help with blood flow. He also developed severe abdominal pain that required surgery as well. A few weeks ago the stomach pain came back full force. In the process of trying to figure that out they discovered that he had lung cancer. He is now undergoing radiation treatment for the cancer but there is still no solution for the abdominal pain. It is most likely cause by a circulation problem.
Grandpa started having issues several years back when he had a bone spur in his neck that was trying to sever his spinal cord. Since then he has had multiple issues, many of which are common in old age. Most recently he fell and broke his hip and had to have surgery. He isn't doing very well.
My job change came when my old boss decided to get ready to retire. Part of that included moving into another office where he could reduce his bills and just try to wrap up a few cases he had going on. I was the biggest expense that he had so I didn't make the transition. I still do some work for him on the side and hold no bad feelings at all about the situation. But it did require finding another job, which I did after taking about two months off to get some stuff done around the house and go through my divorce (more about that later). The office I now work at is a totally change from where I was before. Before it was just myself and the attorney. Light case load, and a variety of job duties (I did everything from secretary to paralegal to janitor). Now I am in an office of 10 people (including our intern) that is VERY fast paced. I don't mean that is a bad thing, I really enjoy my job but it did take some major adjusting and it is high stress but I like it all the same.
My divorce was my decision. I wasn't happy and neither was he. There were a lot of things that occurred through our relationship that just really left me with some major trust issues. While it might have been for the best that doesn't mean it was easy. Particularly with children involved. It has taken some adjusting and a few arguments along the way to get things to a point that he, I and the kids are all settled.
I guess that leaves just my relationship with Tony to sum up. I really don't know how to sum it up very well. I fell head over heals in love with Tony from the beginning. There were some issues there as well, on both sides. Frankly I am still not 100% sure what happened that led to the end of that relationship. I think that is what makes it so hard to deal with at this point because I just still haven't figured it out and still have issues dealing with that.
So yeah, it has been a lot of crazy stuff that has happened over the last couple of years. Frankly it isn't surprising that I am flat out tired, emotionally and physically drained and short on patience with petty crap. I hear people whine about how hard things are because they can't afford cable tv or something and I just want to slap them and tell them how hard things really could be. I am not saying that I have it the worst off. I know that there are people that have it worse then me, but compared to some of them I totally have them beat. There are a lot of days that I just want to hide in a corner and cry because I am so worried about stuff, particularly the health of my family members. Reality tells me that I can't do that so I just push through it and try to make the best of some shitty situations.
One thing that I have learned in the midst of this is you start to figure out who your real friends are and who the ones are that are simply there to get something from you. You learn who truly cares about you and who just wants to leech from you. In a way it is depressing but mostly it is just nice to know who really cares because I don't need to waste time with people that are simply out to take take take from other people. Sometimes the help that I have needed and the support I have needed (just a smile and a laugh now and then, nothing big) have come from some of the most surprising sources.
So yeah, back to the original point, my blog has been and will be neglected for the most part because I just have to much on my plate right now. Maybe one of these days things will slow down and I will actually have the brain power to write some new poetry instead of just whiny rants haha
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Cederberg Family
14 years ago
